Earlier today after I got home from picking Em up from preschool and making a quick stop at the grocery store to pick up some ingredients for a dinner to take to a family who just had their 10th child, I was being quite irritable and Kevin asked me what was wrong. Well, of course I told him a bunch of random things that probably contribute to what's wrong but aren't the real problem, like how I feel stressed with everything I need to do and that our house is always messy and dirty and etc. etc. Kevin is always really good about calling me on my bad days...it usually makes me more aware that I'm not being so nice and I consciously try to be better. Unfortunately it doesn't necessarily make me feel better. Anyway, through the course of the day I thought of a few things, like the conversation I had with my father-in-law last week about what I do for fun...answer: nothing, I live to serve my family (a little sarcastic, but mostly the truth). It was a short conversation, not much else was said, we left off on kind of a joke about it. I brought that up to Kevin and he asked me what I would like to do for fun if I did have time. I didn't have an answer. Then I was watching Desperate Housewives and there was an exchange between Lynette and her husband that sounded just like a conversation Kevin and I might have about how he works hard and deserves time to go play with the band (or go surfing, or biking) and in my "spare" time I get to go grocery shopping or whatever. I should go back and watch it again, but I was sitting on the floor with Allison and Kevin was behind us at his desk and I remember giving him the knowing look. [and before you think, well look, he's working and you're watching TV, just know that I was helping him with his work all morning rather than doing my own, and I just turned on the TV when I was feeding Allison, so there.] Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter about it; it's just interesting how the whole man/woman, husband/wife, dad/mom roles get played out not just in our lives but apparently in TV lives too. And if it's on TV, it must happen to a lot of people, right?
Just now for the past while (has it really been an hour and a half?) I've been reading a bunch of blogs. People in all walks of life with different joys and pains and activities. Well it just hit me what is bothering me - I am feeling lost. Lost in my own aspirations to do everything yet do nothing. Does that make sense? I run around all day feeling stressed about this and that and what needs to be done or planned and at the end of the day I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I haven't spent much quality time with my children, I haven't cleaned or organized, I haven't done anything "fun" and I haven't even gotten much (paid) work done, despite feeling like I've been doing it all day. Or I feel like I am bound because I need to do something but it can't be done until something else gets done first and that first item is not on the list... So reading all these blogs, perhaps it's the illusion that everyone writes just about the good times, but it makes me enjoy their moments yet feel sad that I am not doing much in my life. Now, I'm sure you might be thinking "look at all the things you do..." but how much of it is worthwhile or making a difference for my family? Am I just being pessimistic about this?
Then the whole question of "what would you do for fun if you did have time?" I still don't know! I like to take photographs - is that a good activity? Then what to do with them? I used to love dancing. Unfortunately the kind I like involves a partner, and my husband is not so willing. Or he's just gone, or busy catching up on work. I also used to love watercolor painting. If I could come up with some space for it that might be a good one to pick up again. I thought it might be fun to get together with some friends and go out. The sad truth is, though, I don't really have many friends who I feel like I could just call and ask to go hang out. What about the ones who just drop by and bring donuts and cider on a Saturday morning (I saw that on my distant friend's blog and thought that was so cool). Is it because I have been working outside my home for the past few years that I don't have playdates for the kids? I don't know. I guess I'm just feeling a little sad and out of place in the world right now. I probably should go read my scriptures and pray (two more things that don't happen as often as they should...). Knowing Kevin will be leaving me for the next two days just adds to it. What to do? Sorry to vent on you, blog world, but maybe someone out there will have a few kind words of advice? How do you people do it all and still seem to be having such a good time?
I created this blog with hopes that it will give more of you an opportunity to see what's going on with our family on a regular basis. I'm particularly bad at keeping in touch with people I care about, so hopefully this will help keep us updated!
Boam Family October 2008
Photo by Stott Photography.
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10 comments:
oh amy, i think most, if not all moms can relate to your post. i know i can. ive contemplated MANY times on this same thing. the conclusion I came up with, is that my "hobby" right now is my son and anything thats worthwhile to him. And while a bit of myself has been forgotten about, I know that when my kids are grown I will be able to have time to do the things I want to do and I will be able to look back and know I enjoyed every minute of being "mommy" while it lasted. I think thats why you find so many blogs filled with so many fun things moms have done with thier kids. They arent glamorous by any means, but you have to tell yourself they are fun things or else they just become those day to day mundane things. Moms HAVE to find some sort of joy in life, even if its the silly looks your kids give ya, or just a day at the park. For me, I have to think of it as something enjoyable, not just something I have to do because Im mom, or id go CRAZY! I dunno if that helped, or if made any sense at all, but I know its the only way I can get through each day without wondering what new fun things I can do, because Im already doing them.
Yes Amy, you are definitely not alone. I wonder if you had looked at my blog yesterday....ha, it might have helped you feel better. I have to tell you though, my friend loves photography and she takes beautiful pictures of her kids and even just the trees and nature outside her house. It's her way of incorporating her kids with her hobby. I know she makes a lot of her photos into artwork that she frames and hangs in her house. So I don't know, that's an idea.
I always thought that you guys do a lot of fun things and have been a little jealous myself since it seems all we do is sit around the house and have babies (I know, aren't I a ray of sunshine?). It just goes to show that the grass always looks greener on the other side. Don't feel bad about trying to find something for yourself, you need and deserve it. It might just be that that something happens to include the little ones. Love you!
I have this same conversation witht the wives when ever we get a group of friends together. The boys are outside playing ping-pong or planning their next hiking trip and the wives sit inside watching the chillens' and talking about how we don't have hobbies. Dave is constantly telling me to call a girl freind and go do something but what he doesn't seem to grasp is that it is not as easy to have a girls night out as it is to have a guys night out. Theres a lot of planning involved, babysitters, dinner for the family, budgetting. We just can't pick-up and go do something and I hate that. What some friends and I have come up with is a book club where reading the book is optional but coming together with no kids and no husbands for dinner once a month is manditory. It is really nice to have something like that to look forward to once a month, a night that you know you have off no matter what. If you would like to join our book club you are more than welcome to. I know it helps me a lot. Also I tink watercoloring is a great idea. You just have to make sure to schedual a time to do it and then do it no matter what. Cause, us women tend to let things get in the way of "ME" time alot and thats not a good thing. "ME" time is very very important, not just for you but for your families sake too because it will make you a happier person. So, don't think of it as a selfish thing. Think of it as an important part of taking care of your family. Good luck and if you want to hang out some time let me know, I like to paint too.
I hear ya! I wish I was there to give you a great big hug- and bring cider and donuts to you on a Sat. morning. How fun would that be.
Everyone has pain and nobody's life is perfect- so on their blogs they are creating an "identity." Someone that may not really be real, or at least greatly "editing" their life! I look at other people's blogs sometimes and it makes me feel crappy about myself. You have inspired me- I am going to do a post on how far from perfect life is. This is something I have been thinking about a lot. I am probably not making a lot of sense right now- but trust me when I say you are not alone!
Sometimes when I am feeling overwhelmed with all I have to do and trying to be a good mom- I make really low goals for myself. Like- read a book to the kids. That's it. Then get them to do something crafty away from the tv. I think you are already good at those things. Don't be too hard on yourself.
I think you have so many great qualities and talents- like the hobbies you mentioned, plus more.
Well- you are great Amy.
Hopefully Andrew will stay asleep long enough for me to comment. I TOTALLY relate to your situation!!! I could have written that post myself, and it was relieving to learn that someone I highly respect feels the same way I do sometimes. Steve has asked me several times in the last few moths what I would like to do for fun, and my only answer is "sleep." Pitiful, eh? Taking care of Andrew all day every day takes up every last ounce of energy I have, and yet when I look back at the end of the day to see what I've accomplished, I discover that mostly I've sat around on my bum. How can I be so tired when I get so little done? On days when I do manage to get something done, it's usually stuff like unloading (but not necessarily re-loading) the dishwasher. How fulfilling, right? There are days I've asked myself, "Do I even HAVE interests anymore? If I did, would it matter anyway?" I agree with the first comment on here about how moms have to look for the fun side of things to avoid going completely crazy. Anyway, I don't know if that's helpful, but just know you are not alone. Ti voglio bene!
Yes, that is the tricky thing about reading blogs. I don't think people are lying or trying to make their lives seem better than everyone elses on their blogs. If you think about it--no one is going to take a picture of them doing dishes (or not doing them in my case) or going grocery shopping etc. and write a post about that. Boring. Instead they (usually women write all the posts, by the way) take pictures of all of the fun stuff they do like the park, or Disneyland (since we have passes), and write about that. So it may seem like that is all they do all day long, but really it's just on occassion. I know I'm not going to write anything about my housework! So the tricky part is not being deceived. Of course everyone wants to write about the fun stuff because it is fun to read about! But like you said, when you start reading about everyone's fun stuff all at the same time it can cause you to start comparing and feel inadequate. I've done that too when I read all the blogs.
Anyway, I guess my point is that you need to give yourself more credit, and also know that so many others feel the same way (me included). Especially about the "free time" (what the heck is that?) You are doing a great job. Look at your beautiful girls. But yes, create some YOU time each week. Sometimes I think about just going to the beach BY MYSELF (HUH?) and reading or something. Ahhhh.
Hey Amy, I loved what you wrote and I'm in the same boat, especially since July when we moved... Joe is not home M-F, which leaves me with NOTHING to do w/o kids in tow, and after awhile, it gets very old and when Joe is home, what does he want to do, but stay home, the same place I've been spending 13 weeks straight with 2 kids 24 hours a day...thankfully Lauren's back in school now... although I have had friends on the weekends, here and there... but I haven't done my blog in 6 months... and, that I considered was one of my hobbies I haven't been able to give much attention too. I'm just to tried at night to start as I'd have to go back to mar/apr, but I hope to get it update sometime ;) If Kevin is able, which I know he is able, but if he's available, let him take the kids for a while and do something for yourself... I was lost about a year ago, forgot myself in the sense of what was I like before marriage and kids... funny enough, myspace helped me with that in seeing what other people did as far as activities went, but I should note these fellow friends were single or just married with no kids, which I think makes a huge difference, now I have ideas of what I like and what I want to do, problem is, is actually doing them when you have kids... my interests tends to be more adventuresome which I could not do w/kids... scuba dive, travel, work ;)... well, take time and tell Kevin you need him to help out more with things he can do, like picking up, laundry, unloading/loading the dishwasher, sweeping, etc. ... basically housework and being a dad... that will give you at least some time to unwind and prioritize what's important and what can wait... you'll find yourself again, you just need time and a few breaks! ;)
Amy you so eloquently put in to words how we so often feel. You are definitely not alone. Most days the only thing I feel I have accomplished is yelling at my children! I hate those days. The only thing that keeps me sane is getting out of the house and doing something, anything every day. I savor the times I have with friends at playgroup. I get so depressed if I don't go talk to adults regularly. I call mom's I know for playdates a few times a week and have the mom stay or we meet at the park. It has helped so much. Why can't you do something for you one night a week? Take another cake decorating class, you are so good at that. Or take a sewing class, or a yoga class, or put a girls night out group together of people you want to get to know better- I have a bunko group that meets once a month. Or see if there is a photography class nearby that you can take through the college or rec center. You will find something, I know it! But you do deserve to have time to yourself, you HAVE to have something for you or you will loose yourself.
Belly dancing! hahahaa... Amy, I started belly dancing a few weeks ago. I go once a week for an hour. It's all I can manage of having real "me time." But, it's quality. I'm trying to imagine you belly dancing. I think it would be neat, but if it's not belly dancing.. find something.. some class that is just yours. And hopefully, it will help you get out of this rut.
I really feel my passions waking up though after sleeping for many months now. I'm staring to get more curious about what I can do, what I want to do and what the future holds. Maybe it'll just take you some time and some belly rolls. Ok, kidding... sorta.
I feel you on the stressful days filled with tons of tasks and no tasks at the same time. I wonder if that's just how motherhood is.
Good luck mama.
A - freaking- MEN! You are so not alone in this. I have to say, I think working at home/part time definitely takes time that may otherwise be spent at play dates or "me" time. I find myself looking for hobbies, too, but have no time for them. It is discouraging and even more depressing when I read others' blogs about all the fun things they are doing w/ their friends and family. On those days- I just have to vent it out and go out for some me time. My "perfect day" entry was in response to one of those days you are describing.
Hang in there... it has to get better! Hah.. take care.
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